Pleasantly Surprised

I just got a letter from the insurance company informing me that I have been approved for fertility testing (yay!) with a 50% co-pay (ok). I have no idea how much the testing is actually going to cost. If it's as expensive as I think it will be hopefully my doc will let me pay it in 2 or 3 payments. Whatever the cost, I'm going to get the testing done one way or another. Next step: meeting with our GP as previously mentioned to get the requested info for my doc. That happens a week from today. I am pleasantly surprised that the letter got her as quickly as it did. I honestly didn't think it would arrive before the new year.

On an some-what unrelated note, I just started taking Adderall today to deal with my ADD problems in school. I'm hoping it will help and I can have an easier time in school. I was worried about taking it since it could cause problems during pregnancy, but since I haven't managed to stay pregnant for more than a few days in the past 2 years, I decided I need to move on with life until I have some more definite answers. Once I have the fertility tests completed and we decide on a course of action to move forward with ttc I will talk with my psychiatrist about my medications and whether or not I should stay on them during pregnancy. Until then, I'm really hoping that the meds will help me stay on track with school and the rest of my life.

An Update of Sorts

I just have a brief update, for record keeping sake. I am now on my 25th cycle of trying to conceive. After meeting with my ob/gyn we have decided it's time to move forward with fertility testing for me. But first I need a letter from G's and my GP doctor stating that his fresh sperm is relatively safe to work with due to his long-standing undetectable viral load and his good sperm analysis (including a copy of the analysis). We have an appointment with our doc on December 13th to get that information. My ob/gyn also needs to obtain permission from the insurance company to do the fertility testing so we have to wait on that. It could could take as long as a month or so to get the permission.

I am so paranoid that the insurance company will deny the testing. I'm also afraid that they're not going to be able to find any reason for me not getting pregnant. I'm hoping very, very much that we will be able to do IUI (which automatically includes sperm washing) with G's sperm.

Blogging Hiatus

My school work is becoming too much for me. So in order to preserve my sanity, I have decided to take a hiatus from all blogging (both reading and writing) for an unspecified period of time. Feel free to e-mail me at indigowolf(at)gmail(dot)com for any reason. Otherwise, thanks for reading my blog.

It's Been Way Too Long

If you didn't already guess, I've been pretty busy. School started with a bang in the middle of August (way too early in my opinion). Then my grandpa got sick and had to go to the hospital at the end of August. I've been down to San Diego 3 different times since then. The first time was because it didn't look like he was going to make it. But he made it through another week and I went down again for his big Birthday Bash which was the weekend before his 90th birthday (which happened to be on September 11th). I said good-bye to him for the last time on Sunday, September 9th. We both knew it would be the last time we saw each other on this planet. He dies the following night just hours away from his birthday. It was 9:28 pm, pacific time. This meant it was 12:28 am in his birth town, Buffalo, NY. So in a way, he did make it to his 90th birthday like he wanted. I've always wanted to live until my 100th birthday. I hope my timing is as good as his. My 3rd trip was just this past weekend for his memorial service.

I seem to be having a harder time dealing with my grandfather's death than I did my grandmother's 5 years ago. Maybe it was because I had recently gotten married and was still happy from that. I think it's more likely that when Grandma dies, I felt like part of her still lived on through my grandpa. We could still go to their house, the house still smelled the same. Everything was basically as it was before she left, except that she wasn't there. Now that Grandpa is gone, everything will be different. The family has to sell the house at some point, so it will no longer be the hub of our family. Having him gone means they both are really gone now. They mean so much to me and were there for me when I needed someone the most. They taught me, more than any one else in the world, what it means to be a good person. When I think of the word Christian, I think of them before I think of the perverted thing that politicians would have us believe is Christianity. I thank them for giving me the gift of faith, the tiny spark still burns in me even through all of the doubt I have experienced. My spiritual views certainly don't even come close to mirroring theirs, but they gave me a strong foundation for which I will forever be grateful.

Things Must've Been Going Too Well

People kept asking me, "So, how's life?" And I have, up until now, had nothing but good things to talk about. I went on a fabulous (but very busy) trip with a family a babysit for, paid for by them (plus an extra $800!) and got to leave on my birthday, so it was a cool birthday present on top of that. I've been getting plenty of babysitting business to help pay the bills and just enjoying my summer. I got good grades (could've gotten all A's if I hadn't slacked at the end). So life has been going pretty well. The Saturday happened. Let me explain.

I sat down with my laptop to respond to a new parent I'll be working with this summer. When I went to look for my backpack to get my schedule book out of it, I couldn't find my backpack anywhere. I knew I had brought my backpack home the night before when I came home from babysitting because my lap top had been in it and I had it. I had my phone which had been in my backpack, and I drank the diet coke I had gotten out of my back pack last night. So where was the back pack? My purse and wallet were inside, so I really needed to find it. I thought maybe my room mate put it in his room, mistaking it for his own (they're the same brand). But no, it's not in his room either. I'm really freaked the fuck out by this point because the only other explanation for my backpack not being anywhere in the house is that someone came into our home and took it. I start to get close to hysterical and instead of holding me and helping me calm down, G starts yelling at me about it and blaming me. I over-reacted in part because I was two days over-due for my depression meds and hormonal on top of it. Then I get both my husband and room mate telling me it's not that big of a deal (when none of their shit got stolen) and making me feel even worse about the whole thing. To me, it was a big deal. It's a major pain in the ass to have to replace my ID and shit (luckily there weren't any credit cards or anything, just a bank card). When I looked to see if anything else was missing, I realized my ipod, which had been on the counter right above the backpack, was gone too.

It could have been a lot worse than it was. I understand that quite well. They really didn't get anything of any monetary value. No one got hurt. Nothing got smashed or ruined or ransacked. That being said, I am extremely angry and disappointed at how G reacted to me and the situation. At a moment when I really, really needed his emotional support and strength, not only did he not come through, he did the exact opposite. I feel so let down by him. I am so angry at his hypocrisy too. He has freaked out just because he lost his keys temporarily and then gets mad at me for freaking out when my backpack, with my purse, wallet & schedule book inside are stolen out of my own home. When I pointed that out to him he said, "Yeah well I didn't cry." I couldn't believe it when he said this. Of course he didn't cry!!! He yelled and punched the wall! Would he rather I react that way?! What asshole! I'm just really mad at him today. I can't even talk to him about anything related to the incident without him accusing me of either harping about it or yelling at him about it when I am quite obviously doing neither.

If he can't come through for me on something like this, how can I count on him to be there for me in other times of crises?

Cruel, Cruel World

One of my internet buddies just lost her precious baby today at 23w 1d not even a week after finding out that it's a boy. It was due to premature labor. Sometimes life is really fucking unfair. I don't know how I'd survive something like that.

I Want to Love My Body Again

I don't want to feel let down by my body anymore. I want to know why my body can be so maddeningly predictable when it comes to ovulating and menstruating, but getting pregnant seems to be a mystery. Why, in the name of all that is good on this earth, can my body not figure out how to get and stay pregnant?! We did a new cycle ttc cycle this month. I was really hoping this would be our month for a lot of reasons. I'd get my BFP right around my birthday, I wouldn't be stuck traveling with AF (more on that later), and I would just start showing at my grandpa's big birthday bash in September. Plus I would be due towards the beginning of next spring semester, so there would be minimal interference with school.

Maybe if I knew why this wasn't working it would be easier. I doubt it, though. It's just the same crap over, and over, and over again. Taking a break doesn't lessen the anxiety I feel over having a kid. I'm really trying not to dwell on this too much. I prefer to get my anger and frustration out of my system, then move on. But it does get increasingly hard to stay positive when month after month nothing changes. I hear stories about women who get pregnant after 4 years of trying. That's great and all, but G just turned 47. I really, truly expected for us to have a kid by now.

I'm sorry my blog posts are so filled with negativity. My life isn't that bad. I've got good stuff going on. In fact, one of the families I sit for invited me to join them Tennessee this week to help watch their kids and those of some friends. All my expenses are paid for plus and extra $800. That will be really cool. Unfortunately I will also have af during this trip which sucks ASS.

I am so tired of being angry with my body. But until I manage to get pregnant or find some other way to become a mom, I just don't see that changing.

Lots to Think About

I need to take a break from ttc. I have no idea how long. Could be just a month, could be 3. I've gotten bored with it. I'm starting to hate it. I hate the hopeless feeling that comes with it every fucking month. It's depressing me.

The depression has gotten to the point where not only is my skin constantly boken out with psoriasis, but I've started binge drinking again, like I did when I was still working in an office job. Of course the drinking just makes my skin even worse. This weekend I got so drunk that I was terribly sick all day yesterday. It was by far the worst hang-over I've ever had in my life. Even after puking before passing out, I still puked again like 9 times or something yestrday. It was probably alcohol poisoning, but I managed to come out of it sometime around 8 pm last night with lots of electrolyte-enhanced water and lots of sleep. The only thing I could eat and keep down all day was a couple of bites of ice-cream around 8:30 pm.

This last thing embarrasses me and infuriates me. I've been knowing for some time now that I have a problem with being able to control my alcohol intake, but this was the last straw. I just can't drink alcohol anymore. If I need to be babysat everytime I drink, I have no business doing it at all. Especially when I started having a few drinks before classes in the morning. It has become a pretty serious problem. One I wasn't fully able to admit until this. I've just started seeing a psychotherapist again. We had our introductory session last week and I'll see him again next week. I'll have to talk to him more about this when I see him. It's really hard writing this, but I need to. I need to hold myself accountable before it ruins my life.

I have a bit of hope on the horizon. California Senator Carole Mignden's bill SB 443 recently passed the senate's health commitee. Here's an excerpt of their press release:

“All families deserve access to the tools that reproductive science has to offer,” said Migden. “In this case California law needs to catch up with technology because, whether inadvertent or not, it discriminates against HIV-positive men. My legislation will ensure equal reproductive rights for all women, regardless of their partners’ HIV status.”

SB 443 would allow couples where the fathers are HIV positive to undergo assisted reproduction under the following guidelines:
1) The HIV-positive donor’s sperm is processed to minimize the infectiousness of the sperm for the specific donation;2) Informed mutual consent has occurred; and3) The sperm processing procedures must be recognized by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine.

So anyway, that's another reason why I'd like to hold off for a bit on ttc. The prospect of using G's sperm after all this time is so exciting. I'm willing to do IUI for that. I so hope that they will approve IUI for this. IVF is still way out of our price range at this point. Please keep your fingers crossed, or say a prayer, or light a candle or whatever that they will approve IUI for this.

I guess I could use some prayers and good vibes for the other stuff too. Wish me luck.

Disciplining Children

I was watching Montel this morning and his show was about hitting your kids. So far, it's the dads who are more into hitting or spanking as a form of discipline than the moms. But I know that is certainly not the case across the board. G and I have talked about our feelings about spanking and I think we pretty much agree on our philosophy. I bet a lot of people wouldn't agree with this but we both feel that girls require slightly different discipline than boys as they get older. When they're toddlers and preschoolers it's pretty much the same. Firm boundaries are necessary, but yelling never is (unless you're calling to them from some distance, of course). Keeping calm while giving giving a time out or redirecting their activity/behavior is the most effective. hen they're older and have the ability to think through their actions, that's when the difference comes in. Girls respond to talking much better than boys. You can explain to a girl why she shouldn't do something and most of the time that will be sufficient (with reminders or course). With boys, talking doesn't always work. Many boys are more action-based and when someone starts talking for awhile they tune out. So it's important to be a little more physical with them. Not by hitting, but in other ways. For example, if you keep telling him to quit playing in the street and he won't listen, go out into the street and pick him and/or physically move him. There again, it's important to stay calm while doing so.

Regardless of any form of discipline, if you are too angry to discipline your child in a calm manner, walk away until you are. When you discipline children in anger, it's just not as effective because they see you reacting out of anger, not with a level head. Kids are sponges and will soak up what ever you put there.

I firmly believe that when you hit someone, you're basically inviting them to hit you back. Parents are surprised when their teenagers start hitting them back, but what else can they expect? That's the way they have taught their children to deal with their anger. Not very constructive, huh?

Being Broke is So Depressing

We have rent due and we don't have enough in the bank to cover it. Work has been extremely slow up until this weekend when everybody wants me at the same fucking time. It's nice to get all that work, but it would be even nicer if it was spread out a bit more evenly. G and I are having the same ole stupid arguments about money and it never fucking changes. He tells me we need to do this and that differently, but he never makes any effort to actually do those things differently. I make an initial effort, but when I see I'm the only one making the effort, I get tired of it and slip back. So we end up in this never-ending cycle of barely getting by. I feel like I'm in a catch-22 because if I get pregnant I know I will change all my priorities around and get my shit together. But I won't be able to get pregnant until I have my shit together. We're both so fed up and depressed that we've been stuck in this financial rut for so damn long, but we're having a super hard time making the sacrifices necessary to get out of that rut.